Personal Success or Failure
It always seems to take one thing going wrong in life to trigger a need to review the rest of your life as well. That "aha" moment came for me this week when yet again I was faced with a job that has become highly unfulfilling.
In that moment of wonderment, I began to look at my life overall and what I have accomplished. To many it would appear that I have accomplished a lot. Too me, it appears I have accomplished almost nothing.
Outside of the standard "two wonderful kids and a fantastic marriage," I began to peer deeper into my commitment to other parts of my life. At 55 it has become somewhat apparent that time is running out. Not in the "I'm going to die soon" kind of thing, but the whole "my wild and crazy youth (yeh right!) has been replaced with a wonderful stable lifestyle." Maybe it’s a midlife crisis…again.
I am not interested in getting people to try to convince me I have it good, or I have accomplished great things. My head isn't there. I am the first to agree I have done plenty of things in my life and I have always done what I wanted. I wanted to become an author, I did. I wanted to act in movies and television, I did. I have even written a couple of screenplays which are being produced. I am living in the Middle East making lots of money and although I am good at what I do, the inner satisfaction doesn't appear to be here. So, that's not it. Let me explain.
The problem is that if what I want to do doesn't pay anything, like acting, or writing, or performing, I chicken out and stick with my safe job instead.
I have always secretly known it, but throughout my life I have tried to suppressed it; I am an artist. I have no interest in technology or business, not interested in driving anything or building anything, yet here I sit in my 8 to 5 job. I have no interest in climbing the corporate ladder and yet I sit at my desk every day wondering what the future holds for me.
My first love as a youth was music. I sang in public, at school assemblies, was in a high school band (one of only 2 in a school of 1200 kids) and played trombone in the school band. Unfortunately, I have always been something of a chicken shit. Having grown up in a poor family, the thought of not having enough has always been a real problem for me. I have never been someone who threw caution to the wind and just went for it. My very restrictive, analytical, and chickenshit brain forced me to realize that I was not the best singer in the world or the best musician. So, I looked at all of my options, weighed what my chances were to make it a living and how much it would pay me and basically abandoned it right away. I methodically rationalized my dream away.
It still bothers me when I hear of musicians, like Joe Walsh from the Eagles, who used to live in his car, who had a passion for music so strong he couldn't fathom doing anything but be a singer / guitar player in a band. People like him have a passion to stick it out, through the poverty, through the hard times, and through a personal need to do what they know they love to do. Success finally came to him and to most people who stick it out and do what they believe in. People like him become wealthy and successful because they live their passion. I should have had the guts to follow my heart. My brother did it. I didn't.
It still bothers me when I hear of musicians, like Joe Walsh from the Eagles, who used to live in his car, who had a passion for music so strong he couldn't fathom doing anything but be a singer / guitar player in a band. People like him have a passion to stick it out, through the poverty, through the hard times, and through a personal need to do what they know they love to do. Success finally came to him and to most people who stick it out and do what they believe in. People like him become wealthy and successful because they live their passion. I should have had the guts to follow my heart. My brother did it. I didn't.
So, here I sit in a fantastic job, making more money than I ever could in North America and living in a paradise. People spend big money to vacation here and my wife and I live here year round. I know it can't get much better than this. I am sure you are reading this thinking "what a putz! He's whining about his life and people would give anything to switch places with him."
I won't disagree with that, but again this topic is about what I consider success and failure in my life and not about my situation.
I suspect it all started with my inability to really identify what I wanted to be when I grew up. I always envied people like my brother who knew as a kid he wanted to be a builder and has done that for the last 40 years. Building 35,000 sq. ft. mansions is what he loves to do and he is really, really good at it! He has been very successful in that aspect of his life.
I, on the other hand, spent 20 years in the Canadian Military because my ex-wife thought it was a good idea. When I left that job, I couldn't commit to anything again, so I knew I liked write and I could combine writing with my technical background so I went for it. It didn't hurt that it paid good money.
Once again I realize that it's not my passion.
In fact, I find technical writing very easy and therefore not much of a challenge. To most other people what I do is difficult, tedious, and of no interest to them. I get it. I like to write…anything, both technical and creative. It's my general lack of direction that appears to be the motive of my malaise.
I would love to make a living as an author writing novels, but that too failed miserably, so here I sit working as a technical writer because it pays the bills. I am pathetic.
It has dawned on me that I have become a jack of all trades and a master of none. I was an okay hockey goalie, but not great. I can write novels, but they don't sell, I was an okay aircraft technician but not excellent, I can play guitar, but I'm far from great at it and I have been taught some good acting skills, but I am no Brad Pitt by any stretch of the imagination. See where this is going? I have tried to do everything I wanted to do but I have never really committed myself to anything with a passion and become excellent at it, top of the heap, leader in my field because that would require me to give up my nice paycheck.
My last blog talked about changing old habits to new ones and how willpower is the worst thing to use to change things in your life. I need a new approach.
Approach #1
I need to get out of my current day job funk and make myself busy in a new role somewhere else in my organization, or gather work from other sections within my company so I don't stay so frigging bored. I need to revise my old work habits and replace my inactivity with lots of activity. It makes me feel better when I have more, not less, work to do.
Approach #2
My health is not optimal and that is almost entirely because I am overweight. I have used willpower to the extreme and I am still fat. It is time to change my eating HABITS…a little at a time until I master the art of eating and slim down to my proper weight. I love to eat and I like to eat the most at night, a proven disaster for me. Changing a few habits like only eating vegetables after 4 PM should take care of that and begin the slow process of getting my weight down to an acceptable level.
Approach #3
I recently took guitar lessons and although I love my Taylor guitar and love playing it, it just isn't my instrument. I have learned enough to be able to play chords and with the right amount of practice, it could be useful if I ever want to get back into a band. Of course, at my age, I am not sure how realistic that would be…who wants an old fat bald headed guy in their band. Maybe other old fat bald headed guys? Maybe if I lose some weight I can just be old and bald.
The point is, the instrument that I truly am enjoying learning is the violin, and my lessons are going well. Instead of backing out or giving up when it begins to get hard, I need to change my strategy. I need to commit to learning how to play this instrument and become a master of it, not just okay playing it. This will require me to set up a new HABIT. I need to practice every day, no excuses…15 minutes to start so it doesn't seem overwhelming at first, and move up to one hour a day. The more I practice, the better I will get.
I also need to learn how to play it properly through a recognized institution. This means taking the music school exams and going through the grades like everybody else does until I am a certified violin player. No longer am I going to do it my way, as I did writing novels, which made no money. I can at least say I have learned from this lesson.
I really think that this is my ticket out of the 9 to 5 job I have learned to endure. Being a kick ass violin / fiddle player who can play rythmn guitar would be an asset to any band.
I know it's in me. I was born to perform. I love to act, sing, and play in a band as well as writing. I listen to music all day, every day when I write at work and at home. This should have been a big red flag a long time ago for me in identifying where my love and my passion lives.
I know it's in me. I was born to perform. I love to act, sing, and play in a band as well as writing. I listen to music all day, every day when I write at work and at home. This should have been a big red flag a long time ago for me in identifying where my love and my passion lives.
I was born an artist, I can see that now. It's time to become so proficient in playing the violin that bands start calling me to play with them.
My brain screams "you are an artist!"
Peter A Brandt 
